Nostalgia
My last year of highschool was a joke. Highschool is about fitting in. Not wanting to be left out...wanting to feel...like you belong. I don't belong. I didn't fit in. Didn't have many friends, but I hung out with the freaks/gays/lesbian's/bi's. I never dated anyone, I was elsewhere in my mind. Never had the cute highschool relationship with the guy that loved me and we had passoinate sex. How do you tell your friends your first is 5 years older than you? How do you explain that the relationship is meaningless? How do you say anything when his best friend's girlfriend is a teacher there? You don't. So I said nothing. Inner tormoil, that's what it turns into. People gave sideways glances at the sullen goth girl stalking the halls.
Iza tells me I remind her of the songs in Jack Off Jill. For the song 'Angels Fuck And Devils Kiss' I dedicate that song to David. It fucking feels like she knows what I'm feeling. In the last line she screams, "I will never make it better, I will never make it better, It will always hurt you fucking asshole!!" That's my mantra for life now. All unholy hail to Jack Off Jill....
The Girl And Her Soul
Cover me with something that forgives.....
Oh Vivica I wish you well
I'll sit right here I'll never tell
no tender scar no twist of fate
will save you now.
He'll never change, he's just not there
He'll never say you're beautiful
Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do,
I really do
The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful
She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stay awake
recalls when she was capable...
'Vivica' -Jack Off Jill
Reminiscence isn't a nice sunny day conjuring up good memories. I sit and forever reminisce about too many damned things that don't help me thinking about them. All the spells in the world wouldn't make them vanish. In a small way I miss highschool. I only hung out with the weird people because of their lack of empathy. They weren't much of friends, I couldn't count on them for anything really important. But they were individuals...people who didn't care if the preps wearing tight-ass jeans thought they looked odd. They had their own style of clothes, their own fucked up thoughts, their own mental problems that I found captivating. The art and poetry and writings of these people reflected how they felt internally. They were teenagers. And maybe every teenager goes through tumultuous hormonal fluxes that fuck them up and down. But I think it was more than that. I liked them because I felt the same way, even if was older than they. Parents suck, I comprehended that much. It's not that my like for them was because they were unruly and had no direction. I wasn't on that level and *wanted* a direction for my life. I think maybe it was their encouragement; Write what you want. It doesn't matter, people's thoughts don't matter. Do what you want. However I argued this with my sire many times. Doing what I want did not include sleeping around and smoking wacky tabacky.
I know, I was rambling. I didnt mean to. But I'm being 'reminiscent' after all. It's my web page so I'll say whatever the fuck I wanna!