'"The passion of lovers is for death," said she,
"The passion of lovers is for death."'--Bauhaus
Some memorable diary entries...(diary.org) that I had for 2 years.
200 Miles To Somewhere
2002-05-18 20:50:21 (GMT)
Today is like any other day. I'm on a subconcious mission to
find something deeper than myself. I miss David. I don't
know if he'll let me stay with him since things have seemed
to change. He said he'd help. But that doesn't mean I'll
live with him, I don't think. Wish he wasn't so goddamned
busy. It's not fair to me. It's so odd, I feel like this is
what I've always wanted, and it never was when I wanted it.
But now that it is, I don't know that I want it still. I
will forget about tomarrow, but I can't forget about the day
I first met him. Two years ago. Almost. I'm listening to
Vanessa Carlton's 'Twilight' and it's beautiful.
"And i will never see the sky the same way
And i will learn to say goodbye to yesterday
And i will never cease to fly..if held down
And i will always reach too high
'Cause i've seen 'cause i've seen twilight"
My days go deeper than Twilight itself.
Imagination
2002-05-17 18:56:25 (GMT)
My imagination, it saved my life. Will David help me? He
won't let me stay with him. And if I did? What would he
have me pay for? What would I do? Be a cute little
stripper for the rest of my twenties? How am I to enter
college if books cost so damned much? He will die,
this man that ruins my life. He will die alone, in a
hospital alone. Goddess, why do you ignore me!? Why
do you not help me! Do you care what happens to me?
Does David care what happens to me? I don't.
Genious
17 May. 2002
My life sucks. I'm almost 18. It doesn't have to be this way; he doesn't have to control me. I want to get my GED but he says it doesn't matter what I want. I have to run things through him before I make a decision. And he thinks he is the best thing, that if I leave all will go to hell. Genious, to think that I could live freely.
Asylum
2002-05-21 17:40:35 (GMT)
I think it's more than time enough to leave. I had an awful dream last night and I woke up looking for someone to hold me and there wasn't one. I wish to live with David. And I could get all the benefits of security and assurance. I wish he were here. I need someone to hold me when I have bad things like that happen to me. If only......he'd just let go of Rebecca. I don't know what made her so special. She had serious problems, and I don't. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to sleep next to someone and hold them til I dream. If I tell him I don't know what he would say. I miss him and yet he doesn't miss me, I don't think. He said he missed me the 3 weeks we saw nothing of the other. I wish he could make Him go away....
"I have an attitude now that is immovable. I shall remain outside of the world, beyond the temporal, beyond all the organizations of the world. I only believe in poetry."--Anaïs Nin
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